


The Sting of Chlorine

by truthinadvertising



Category: Free!
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:00:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2492039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truthinadvertising/pseuds/truthinadvertising
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto wears legskins for a reason. But when Rin finds out why and tells Sousuke Makoto’s world comes crashing down twice as hard as it was before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware of graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide attempts in this fic. I strongly suggest turning back if this will trigger you. Please reach out for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself.

Chapter 1

Makoto wore legskins for a reason. Not that he’d ever tell anyone that reason. When Rei had been trying to find the right gear for himself and had asked Makoto had said he just liked the way it looked. That was a lie.

Underneath his bright smile and his cheeky laugh Makoto was not happy. The more he thought about it the more he didn’t know why. Ran and Ren adored him. His parents were supportive of him. His friends were amazing to him. But Makoto hurt. He hurt deep in his bones. It was a hurt that said “you were a mistake” and “you shouldn’t have been born”. He always watched his friends with such pride. Haru and Rin would go to the Olympics someday. Nagsia made everyone laugh. Rei was the smartest person he had ever met. Gou was honest and hard working. Sousuke, no matter how much he tried to hide it, cared so much about everyone he met. Makoto was nothing compared to that. He was good at nothing. All he was around for was to prop up his friends. And they could find another prop whenever they wanted.

Makoto had been cutting since middle school. The first time he did it he had unbent a paperclip and ripped at his skin on his forearm until it bled. Haru had seen it at school the next day and asked what happened. Makoto said he had been playing with one of the alley cats and it had scratched him. Haru had looked concerned but had accepted his excuse. That was the last time Makoto had cut where anyone could see it. He cut on his legs now. A wide expanse of new, half healed, and scarred cuts wound their way down his thighs and around his calves and down to his ankles, never peaking out from under his legskins. Makoto never changed in front of his friends, he always used a stall, which garnered him much teasing from Nagsia who clearly thought the best way to cure his supposed shyness was to pick on him about it, and he never fully showered at the pool unless he knew he would be alone. Haru thought it was a weird habit but Makoto had explained with a laugh that he just felt cleaner if he properly showered after he got home.

The question came up far too often in the Iwatobi Swim Club “why do you swim?” Makoto had always answered that he swam because he liked to be with his friends. But at this point that really wasn’t the reason. The reason Makoto got in the pool everyday with the club, even though all he wanted to do was go home and curl up in his bed and sleep until doomsday, was to feel the sting of the water on his legs. Everytime he dove into the water the friction from his swimsuit and the searing pain of the chlorine against the wounds would remind him of what he had done. But the pain felt good. It took away from the other pain he felt. As long as bite on his legs kept up he could manage to keep up that smile that everyone expected of him. As long as he felt the slice of his razor through his flesh he could take being alive one more day.

Of course this didn’t stop the crippling guilt he felt. He felt like he was betraying people he cared about. He thought about what the twins would do if they found out. He thought about how his friends would abandon him if they knew he was like this. But it didn’t stop him from picking up that piece of sharp metal that had become his best friend.

****************************

Makoto said goodnight to his parents and went up to lock himself in his room. Like every night he considered the thought that he could kill himself and get away with it, his parents wouldn’t check on him until he didn’t get up for school the next morning, and by then he’d be long gone. But instead, like always, he went to his swim bag and pulled out a small bag. The bag had a little box in it. The little box had his razor blades in it.

As was his habit Makoto settled himself on the floor with his back to the bed. There was a box of tissues on his night table within easy reach. Makoto knew what everyone thought they were for but the only thing those tissues ever saw was blood. Makoto started on his calf tonight. He found a spot of bare skin and pressed the razor to it, sinking the pointed end in. Makoto hissed as he dragged the razor across, the subtle sound of his ripping skin filling his ears. The hot pain felt right. Makoto had been particularly itching to do this today. His grades had been getting lower and lower and today the guidance counselor had told him that if they didn’t shape up he would be relieved of his captaincy of the swim club.

This had almost caused Makoto to go into a full blown anxiety attack. He had felt his breath get short and his heart speed up. He had started sweating and his hand started shaking. Swimming was literally the only thing keeping him alive right now. Without it Makoto had nothing to live for and he was scared he might actually do something about it. That was something, Makoto considered as he moved to a spot higher up his leg, he was absolutely terrified of dying, scared he might actually do it. The thought of never waking up again filled him with dread….and longing.

“Shit!” Makoto cussed. His train of thought interrupted by the seeing pain on his thigh. Immediately he knew he had messed up. The razor was half buried in his leg and blood was welling up fast. Makoto quickly pulled the razor out and grabbed a tissue pressing it to the long, deep cut. It only took seconds for it to become soaked through. Makoto was starting to panic. His rational brain said “you need stitches. Go downstairs and get help.” Makoto shook his head violently as he pressed another tissue down. That was never going to happen. If he went for help for this his parents would see everything and they wouldn’t take him to the ER they would disown him for being such a disappointment. So then he would have to go to Haru’s and then Haru would look at him and in that blunt way say he wouldn’t have someone so pathetic as his friend and close the door on him.

Makoto was crying now but the cut still wouldn’t stop bleeding. Suddenly he remembered a tip from one of his late night haunts of various chat rooms when he couldn’t sleep. Duct tape could stop it. Quickly he scrambled up and over to his desk, shuffling stuff in the drawers around with the hand that wasn’t pressed to his thigh, until he pulled out a half used roll of duct tape that had been in there for God knows how long. He quickly wrapped the tape over the cut and around his thigh, yanking tight to make sure the flow cut off. Once he was done he ripped the end of the tape off the roll and sat back against the bed. That had been close. Hopefully he could take the tape off in the morning, the binding made his leg look weird and he didn’t want anyone asking about it at the joint Samazuka-Iwatobi practice tomorrow. He closed his eyes briefly, wondering if he could fall asleep tonight. Probably not, he thought, as his fingers pulled the bloody razor across the floor back to him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work contains graphic descriptions of self harm and a suicide attempt. If this will trigger you I will suggest you do not read. If you ever feel like you are going to hurt yourself please ask for help.

Chapter 2

“Alright guys, good job today, lets hit the showers!” Rin called out over the pool at the end of their joint practice the next afternoon. It had been a few weeks since regionals so the teams are training hard for nationals. Makoto looked around for his team. Nagisa was busy annoying Nitori and Rei was trying desperately to coax Haru out of the pool, which isn’t happening very quickly. More than anything Makoto wanted to go home and curl up in his bed in the dark. He had spent all night cutting and was not in the mood to be around people. At least he had been able to take his duct tape bandage off. Makoto sighed and went over to Rin who was talking to Sousuke. Makoto felt bad for the guy, they didn’t really ever talk much, but Makoto saw how passionate he was about swimming and seeing him mess up his shoulder so badly at regionals had made Makoto’s heart hurt. Now Sousuke was clad in his tracksuit and unable to get in the pool because of his brace. He had been helping coach from the deck though, Makoto thought he was pretty good at it. Much better than he was anyway.

“Yamazaki-kun.” Makoto said nodding his head at him.

“Tachibana.” Makato was used to short responses from Sousuke at this point so he turned to Rin.

“I just wanted to thank you for practice Rin.” Makoto said “I know you don’t have too but I think it really helps us concentrate when we practice together.”

“You mean it helps you check out the competition.” Rin said with a grin. Makoto gives a weak smile back.

“We just like to make sure you stay scared of us.” he retorted. He was trying so hard to keep up the facade but today was just not a good day and he was afraid that his mask might crack.

“Of course, we’re terrified.” Rin said in mock distress. Makoto laughed, he hoped it sounded real. “You know Makoto, I was thinking,” Rin continued. “I know we have a nice space here but what do you think about us coming to Iwatobi? Maybe not everyone.” He said looking around at all the Samazuka guys headed to the locker rooms. “What if we had a relay practice? Maybe we could do some timing exercises? It would just be nice to get the new guys swimming in a different pool so they don’t get too comfortable.” Makoto actually cracked a real smile. He would like that. Haru would like that.

“Alright. I think I can get Miss Amakata to agree to that. Maybe next week?”

“Yeah!” Rin said looking pleased. “Just let me know when Makoto.”

“You should come too Yamazaki-kun.” Makoto said. He wanted to say how he really admired the way he could talk to swimmers to get them to understand what he was saying. Something that Makoto had found hard while he was helping Coach Sasabe, but thinking about that just put a crack in the faint ray of pleasant feeling Rin had given him so he just said, “I think Rei might really benefit from your help.”

“We’ll see.” Sousuke said noncommittally. Makoto looked at Rin who just shrugged.

“MAKOTO-SENPAI PLEASE COME HELP ME HARUKA-SENPAI WON’T COME OUT.” Rei’s voice echoed across the pool. Makoto had to resist rolling his eyes. He thanked Rin again and went to help Rei get the stubborn boy out of the water.

*******************************

            Makoto was the last person in the locker room. The Samazuka guys had long since cleared out and Makoto’s own team was headed back to the little bus Iwatobi let them use. Makoto had purposefully waited to be alone before he changed. He was in rough shape today. He looked around making sure he was alone before he quickly stripped his suit off, the little scabs that had begun to form ripping off with the quick motion. It hurt, but Makoto relished it. He grabbed his underwear and pulled it up over his hips. He reached for his pants but suddenly the door opened and he heard,

“Makoto are you still in here? I had another quest…” Rin went silent when he actually looked at Makoto. Makoto knew what it looked like. His skin was red and inflamed from the pool water mixing with his cuts. Many of them were still harsh red lines on his skin and he could feel some of them bleeding again from when he ripped his suit off. Honestly he can’t even count how many cuts there are. Maybe 200? Maybe more...and that was just one leg.

“Makoto...what happened?” Rin asked while Makoto quickly pulled his pants on and struggled into his T-shirt.

“Nothing.”

“Makoto I’m not stupid, I know what all that is!”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Like hell it isn’t my business!” Rin shouted at him “It IS my damn business when one of my friends is hurting himself!” Makoto didn’t know what came over him, he hated confrontation, but Rin knew….Rin would tell…Rin would ruin everything. Makoto grabbed Rin by the shirt and shoved him up against the lockers. Makoto used the height and the strength he had over Rin to pin him and drag him up, making him strain on his tiptoes.

“If you say a word.” Makoto hissed directly into Rin’s face. “You will not like the consequences. You will not tell my team. You will not tell my coach. You will not tell my advisor. You will not tell my parents.” Makoto punctuated each group by banging Rin’s back against the lockers. “The first thing I do, before I go, will be to make sure you never swim again.” Makoto dropped Rin who slid to the floor in shock. Makoto had never, ever, ever, acted like this. Makoto had never laid a hand on anyone…well, almost anyone, yet here he was threatening Rin. Makoto grabbed his bag and jacket and stalked out of the locker room leaving Rin alone and confused. Makoto had said “before I go”, what did that mean? Where was he going? What was… realization dawned on Rin as he watched the door swing closed. He felt a hot panic start to rise inside him. Makoto had threatened to kill himself.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work contains graphic descriptions of self harm and a suicide attempt. Please do not read if you will be triggered. If you ever feel like you are going to hurt yourself please seek help.

Chapter 3

Sousuke didn’t even look up from his homework when Rin walked into their room. They had a routine by now. After practice they would sit down and work on their homework until it was time for dinner so when Rin didn’t go to his desk but went to his bed and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and buried his head in the pillow Sousuke knew something was off. He sighed, what could have possibly happened in the last 10 minutes? Honestly, Rin was the biggest drama queen. He heard his friend’s breath hitch and he knew that Rin would probably start to cry and then Sousuke would never get any work done. With a smug expression he put his pen down and pushed his chair back to go over and take a seat on the end of Rin’s bed.

            “Rin?” he asked, trying to sound gentle. “Do you want to talk about it?” Surprisingly Rin didn’t say anything. This was unlike him. Rin was a bit of a cry baby but his surges of emotion were usually direct and obvious. Rin cocooned in his bed, holding his breath to keep from crying, and starting to shake was certainly not the norm for him. Sousuke looked down at him, actually concerned now. He stretched out his good arm and gripped Rin’s shoulder.

            “Come on Rin. Tell me what happened. You need to breath, please.” Rin let out the air he had been holding in a long puff.

“Sorry…” Rin mumbled, still not sitting up. “I can’t talk about it.”

“What? Why not?”

“I just can’t. Look, I just need a minute…”

“Come on man, you’re freaking out.” Sousuke said. “You know if you bottle this up like you do you’re going to screw yourself over for nationals.” Rin poked his head out and looked up at him.

“I said I ca…” Rin started but his voice hitched up again. He swallowed it hard and breathed deeply for a second before sitting up and putting his head in his hands. He stayed like that  for a minute before Sousuke heard him talk again. “If I tell you what’s going on you cannot tell anyone I said anything. Seriously.” Sousuke nodded, his concern was growing. He put his hand on Rin’s knee.

“Okay, okay I won’t say anything.” He mumbled, afraid to speak too loudly and spook Rin. Rin took a deep breath.

“Makoto is hurting himself. His legs are covered in these horrible cuts and he told me he would kill himself if I told anyone.” Sousuke blinked. Tachibana? Really? The guy always seemed happy, he was always smiling and laughing.

“Are you sure?” he asked, realizing a little too late how callous that was.

“Of course I’m sure!” Rin said angrily. “He got violent with me Sousuke, like physically violent, that’s not Makoto!” Rin had actually started to cry now, not his usual sobs but a flood of tears down his face. “Dude, I’m so scared.” He confided. “It’s gonna destroy everyone if they find out. But if I don’t tell he’s going to keep doing it and if he’s thinking about killing himself…” Rin couldn’t talk anymore, he just fell against Sousuke’s shoulder and cried. Sousuke patted him on the back for a second before saying.

“You don’t need to cry over him Rin. He doesn’t deserve your tears.”

“What?” Rin managed wetly. “How can you say that Sou, he’s one of my best friends!”

“It’s disgusting what he’s doing.” Rin sat up and looked at him confused.

“How can you say that?”

“Because it’s true.” Sousuke said starting to get a little hot at the temples. “People who hurt themselves on purpose are pathetic and selfish. They don’t care about anyone accept themselves. They try to turn themselves into some kind of special snowflake when there are people out there who are actually hurting.” His shoulder gave a throb as he said that, reminding him that he was one of those people. Why should he respect someone who chose to live in pain when they didn’t have too?

“Sousuke, it’s not his fault!” Rin defended.

“Of course it’s his fault!” Sousuke growled getting off the bed. “It’s his choice isn’t it? He’s the one slicing himself up not anyone else. He’s the one that does it!” Rin flinched hearing Sousuke talk like that. Sousuke shoved his shoes onto his feet  and grabbed his jacket.

“Where are you going?” Rin asked quietly.

“Out.” Sousuke said curtly opening the door with a snap. “Don’t think about him anymore Rin. Like I said, he’s not worth it.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updating!   
> Thank you all for being patient. I've had no time over the last month and a half because of work, but I have some time now before the New Year so I'm going to try to finish up. 
> 
> Please be aware of graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide attempts in this fic. I strongly suggest turning back if this will trigger you. Please reach out for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself.

Chapter 4

After he got back home from practice Makoto found himself restless. He simply could not stay in the house. The events of the day were twisting his insides and he felt like he couldn’t breath. It wasn’t just that Rin knew, though that was a big part, it was what Makoto had done to him. After they had worked so hard to repair their friendship Makoto had actually, physically, attacked him. He hated himself. Rin didn’t deserve that and instead of letting him help him Makoto had threatened him. He wanted to die. He didn’t deserve his friends, he didn’t deserve anyone. He was just hurting people, it would be better if he weren’t here at all. He told his parents he was going over to Haru’s to study and quickly left the house.

Once he was outside he started running. He ran and ran thinking maybe that if pushed hard enough his heart would explode. He lost track of time and place and all he heard in his head was ‘just die already, you’re pathetic, replaceable, you’re a menace’. His eyes started to go black at the edges, he couldn’t breath, his limbs were losing strength. Makoto tripped and collapsed, falling face first into the sand, he hadn’t noticed he’d made it to the beach. Makoto curled up in a ball and sobbed. His body was shaking and his hands were clenched in his hair pulling hard, his cries were broken and breath tore from his body, he couldn’t think at all, all he felt was panic. He was so scared. He felt like he was losing control of himself, like he had one foot off the edge of a building.

His attack pulled back after a while. Finally Makoto was able to sit up and look around. His head hurt from pulling his hair and he had tufts of it in his palms when he let go. He felt so heavy and he was so tired. He looked out over the sea thinking of their training camp last year, wishing he had drowned then, things would just be so much easier for everyone. He sighed, the sun was going down, he should probably go home. At least at home he could let out some of this angst with a blade.

Makoto stood up, brushed off his pants, messed up his hair a bit, and slapped his cheeks a few times. He couldn’t go home looking like he’d had a panic attack on the beach when he was supposed to be studying with Haru. As per usual everything about him had to look like it was perfectly fine. As he walked back to the road Makoto saw a jogger coming towards him. Makoto put his head down and moved to the side so the jogger could pass him as he approached. He didn’t look up, he didn’t think he could bear to meet anyone’s eyes right now.

“Tachibana?” Makoto’s heart sped up and his stomach heaved, he, very unfortunately, knew that voice.

“Hello Yamazaki-san.” He said summoning his most award winning smile from the depths of his own personal hell, hoping Sousuke would just nod like he normally did and keep on running. When he didn’t Makoto prompted “I didn’t know you ran out this far.”

“I don’t.” Sousuke huffed, looking grim. “Today is special.” Makoto nodded and made to leave.

“Well have a good run then Yama…”

“Rin told me what you’re doing Tachibana.” Makoto stopped abruptly, his mind going blank, any trace of the fake smile vanishing from his face.

“I should have known he’d tell you.” he said after a long silence. He turned to face Sousuke. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do what he had done to Rin to Sousuke, Rin hadn’t been expecting it, but Sousuke looked ready for a fight, not to mention he was the same size as Makoto, if not a little bigger, plus he was too tired and ashamed. Makoto didn’t want to hurt anyone else. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” Sousuke said dismissively.

“Thank…”

“Don’t thank me.” Sousuke growled. “I’m not doing it to help you. I’m doing it because I literally don’t give a shit what happens to you.” Makoto was surprised by the hostility in his voice. What had he ever done to Sousuke? He supposed he should be grateful, at least it wasn’t just him who didn’t care what happened to him.

“You are a selfish, insignificant, attention seeking…” Sousuke rumbled catching himself and grinding his teeth. “People have real problems, Tachibana. Real pain.” Sousuke spat, “What the hell do you have to be upset about? Huh?” Makoto couldn’t say anything, tears were welling up in his eyes but he wouldn’t cry in front of Sousuke. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing everything he said was right.

“You can’t answer? Useless…” Sousuke turned to start on his way again and Makoto just stood staring at his back.

“You don’t deserve them you know.” Sousuke said over his shoulder. “And stay the hell away from Rin. Either kill yourself or sort your shit out.” With that Sousuke ran off. Makoto watched him go until he had passed from sight before turning on his heel and heading for home.

When he got home he told his family he wasn’t feeling well and went to his room and locked the door. He lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling feeling a tight pressure inside. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t even summon the energy to cut. He thought about his friends, how happy they looked at practice today while he stood on the side watching. He thought about Rin’s face while he held him up against the lockers. He couldn’t take it, the pressure in his head and on his chest mounted. He clutched the bed sheets as his breath shortened. The attack was shorter this time but the experience left Makoto feeling weak and exhausted. He didn’t even change clothes as he drifted into sleep, Sousuke’s words floating across his mind.

“Either kill yourself or sort your shit out.”

Well there was really only one option wasn’t there?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I've done some major restructuring to this fic and the tags have been altered to fit that. Originally this was waaaaay less heavy but it has changed to center more around Makoto and this problem of his depression. Any relationships that may or may not come up will not be focused on enough to warrant a tag in my opinion. 
> 
> 2\. Speaking of heavy this is a crazy heavy, possibly disturbing chapter. Not for the faint of heart or the easily triggered. Please keep your personal safety in mind. 
> 
> 3\. As always: Please be aware of graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide attempts in this fic. I strongly suggest turning back if this will trigger you. Please reach out for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself.

Chapter 5

Days went by and Makoto got quieter and quieter. He only really spoke if he was spoken too. He couldn’t even bring himself to tack the -chan on Haru’s name when he picked him up in the morning. Makoto had taken to bringing a razor with him to school so that he could sneak into the bathroom in the middle of the day to find some relief from his pain. The team started to ask him what was wrong and he replied that he was just feeling a little under the weather and not to worry about him. He then told them that Samezuka would be coming for a joint relay practice on Friday. That sufficiently distracted them and Makoto asked Gou to text Rin to let him know telling her he had forgotten his phone at home. This was obviously a lie but Makoto couldn’t bring himself to get in contact with Rin. He dreaded seeing them in a few days. Maybe Rin was so angry at him they just wouldn’t show up.

Each night Makoto would stay up and think, do research, and plan. He just wanted to find a way to go that was relatively painless and quick. Apparently the best way would be gunshot to the head but he didn’t know anyone who had even so much as seen a gun so that was out of the question. When he would get frustrated with himself for being too much of a coward to just jump in the ocean and drown he would cut. His legs were a mess, almost every scar that had healed had been reopened. Makoto would just cut and cut and cut, he didn’t even feel it anymore, and let it bleed. He hadn’t slept in two days by the time the joint practice at Iwatobi came around.

Friday was a struggle for Makoto. He was completely drained and bone-tired but the thought of facing Rin and Sousuke today kept him on edge. He didn’t hear a word the teachers said that day. He only heard the little voice in his head telling him to ‘just get on with it’. He felt panic rumbling near the surface all day, every so often tears would come unbidden his eyes and he would have to quickly blink them away. He would have given anything to just lay on the ground and scream. He felt so constricted, like a cork about to pop.

When practice came around the boys got changed and waited for their guests to arrive. Makoto shuffled from foot to foot, trying not to wring his hands. Haru kept side eyeing him.

“Are you alright, Makoto?” He asked quietly while Nagsia and Rei chatted animatedly. Makoto jumped a little bit.

“Oh, I’m fine.” he lied. “Just excited.” Haru made a ‘harumph’ like noise and Makoto turned to look over the fence where he say the Samezuka team crossing the courtyard. He swallowed hard. He saw Rin at the front of the group and Sousuke not far behind him. He felt his pulse start to race and his vision start to blur.

“Actually Haru, I think I need to go get some water or something, I’m a little dizzy. Will you take over starting the practice?”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Haru said again. “You’re being weird.”

“Just dizzy!” Makoto said defensively. “So will you start the practice?” Haru gave Makoto a long look. Makoto hoped beyond hope Haru would let him go soon or he was going to break down in front of everyone.

“Fine. Hurry back.” he said finally.

“I will.” Makoto mumbled and ran for the locker room. One the door closed he hit the floor gasping for air. He couldn’t take this. He couldn’t take this pressure. He couldn’t take disappointing everyone. He couldn't take hating himself. He couldn’t take just waiting to die anymore. Makoto dragged himself up, tears streaming down his face with no resistance. He felt his way forward, banging into lockers, as he made his way to his bag. He fumbled with the clasp and with shaking hands rummaged around until he pulled out his glasses case. He opened it and dumped the razor inside into his palm. He dropped the case and squeezed his fist around the blade, not even feeling it cut deep into his skin. Blood squeezed between his fingers and he stumbled over to the showers but before he got there he saw the maintenance closet out of the corner of his eye. He looked down at his bloody hand and realized he would need help. There was no way this little razor would do the job on it’s own. With a sob he pushed his body over to the closet and wrenched open. In the corner was a large white bucket full of chlorine tablets for the pool. Grabbing a handful Makoto staggered back out of the closet and threw himself into the shower.

Makoto put the razor blade between his teeth and wrenched the shower on before taking it back in his hand. The water was freezing, it felt like hail stones pleting his skin, but he didn’t care. It was just noise at this point. Makoto looked up a sob escaping his lips. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“It’s better this way.” He whispered to himself. He took a deep breath and before he could procrastinate any longer he stuffed the tablets into his mouth. It took every ounce of willpower he had to not gag and spit them out. He forced himself to chew, trying not to vomit at the taste, trying to remember how many people he would be relieving. He opened his eyes and swallowed. It burned. It burned going down his throat, the chalky stuff left on his face burned his lips as it mixed with the water from the shower, but he wouldn’t let himself scream. Makoto gripped the razor in his hand and pressed the point deep into the flesh at the crook of his arm and gave a mighty rip down his forearm. He bit down into his lip, preventing a wail from leaving him. Chlorine mixed into the bitemarks, frothing blood and chemicals into his mouth. Choking, he transferred the razor to his other arm and did the same. The cuts were deep, he had clearly hit major arteries from the amount of blood pouring from his arms.

Makoto was starting to feel nauseous but he wouldn’t throw up. He held it down and soon his head started to spin, his airway started to close up, and his insides were boiling. His eyes rolled back in his head and Makoto fell forward, smacking his head off the wall, and collapsing on the floor unconscious.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient all. I got some bad news this week and my personal mental state wasn't exactly conducive to working on this fic. But we're back. 
> 
> Please be aware of graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide attempts in this fic. I strongly suggest turning back if this will trigger you. Please reach out for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself.
> 
> United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Chapter 6

Sousuke sat in a chair back from the pool watching the two teams have an exchange practice. Rin had only brought along the first years (and Nitori who had bothered him until he agreed) so they decided to integrate the teams for this practice. Sousuke wasn’t really paying much attention. He didn’t really want to be here but Rin had asked. It was just making him miserable watching the others have fun in the water.

He didn’t know where Tachibana was. Nanase had said he would be back soon but he hadn’t shown his face yet. Sousuke didn’t blame him. It had been eating at Sousuke, what he had said to Makoto. Sousuke had been so angry to see Rin so upset and so indignant about feeling his pain. He might have said things he shouldn’t have. Sousuke didn’t understand what was going on with Makoto but he knew he probably shouldn’t have told him to kill himself after what Rin had said was going on. It was against his nature but he wanted to apologize. He sighed and rested his head in his hand with his arm propped up on the arm of the chair watching the Iwatobi breaststroker climb out of the pool.

“Waaahhh, where’s Mako-chan?” Nagisa asked Haru who had just finished a lap.

“He said he didn’t feel well.” Haru said before taking off back down his lane.

“But he should be back by now!” Nagisa shouted after him

“You’re right.” Rin said pulling himself out of the pool. “Makoto needs to get back to we can have a proper race.”

“I’ll go look for him so you guys can keep practicing.” Sousuke said standing up. He needed to stand anyway, his legs were cramping.

“Thank you Sou-chan!” Nagisa beamed. Sousuke flinched at the nickname and walked off to look for Makoto. He figured the locker room was the best place to start. Tachibana was probably hiding in a corner or something.

Sousuke pushed open the door to the locker room. He took a few steps inside before he registered that there was a shower running.

“Tachibana?” He called out, no answer. Sousuke grumbled and made his way through the lockers to the shower stalls. “Tachibana they want you to race.” he called again, turning the corner. He stopped in his tracks and stared. Makoto was in a bloody crumpled heap on the floor of a stall. Sousuke could see the gashes in his arms with dark blood still oozing out of them. Blood stained his chin and was trickling from his hairline too. Sousuke saw small white tabs on the floor that were foaming under the water, slowly dissolving.

He was frozen. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the broken body on the floor in front of him. He had told Makoto to do this....Suddenly he snapped too. He needed to get help. They needed an ambulance. Sousuke looked back and forth between Makoto and the door. He didn’t want to leave Makoto but no one would hear him in here out at the pool. He couldn’t move Makoto because he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

“I’ll be right back.” He said to the boy he wasn’t sure was actually alive. He sprinted for the door and ripped it back screaming, “RIN!” Rin happened to be on the deck now watching and he turned, confused to Sousuke who ran up beside him. “Rin.” Sousuke said in a hushed voice, he didn’t want to scare the others. “You need to call an ambulance. Tachibana he...well he..” Rin’s face went white.

“Did he try…?”

“I don’t know if he’s alive.” Sousuke mumbled “But call Tachibana an ambulance.”

“Why does Makoto need an ambulance?” Rin and Sousuke jumped at when Haru, who had padded up next them, spoke. He looked scared looking between Rin and Sousuke. “Where is he?” He asked when they didn’t respond. Color drained from Haru’s face and he didn’t wait for an answer and ran toward the locker room.

“Rin, call now.” Sousuke demanded and ran after Haru catching up with him just inside the locker room. He grabbed his arm and stopped him before he could turn the corner to the showers. “Nanase you really don’t want to see this.”

“What is happening? What’s wrong with Makoto? LET ME GO, YAMAZAKI!” Haru yelled. He was clearly panicked. The normally placid boy fought hard against Sousuke’s grip.

“It’s bad, Nanase.” Sousuke said trying to be calm but seeing Haru’s reaction without even knowing what was going on was breaking him.

“I don’t care! I need to see him!” Haru have a mighty tug and his wet skin slipped from Sousuke’s grasp and bolted. Sousuke swore and followed him, not seconds later hearing Haru scream.

“MAKOTO!” ripped from Haru and he fell against the wall, his eyes wide at the sight of his best friend broken in the shower. He lunged forward and Sousuke grabbed him around the waist holding him tight against him.

“Nanase, you can’t touch him, I don’t know what is wrong, we can’t risk it, we don’t want to make it worse.” Sousuke said. A sob hitched in Haru’s throat and he turned around and grabbed Sousuke’s hoodie. Sousuke thought Haru was about to hit him but to his surprise the shorter boy just buried his head in his chest and cried.

Sousuke held him and let him cry. He stared at Makoto. It was an awful sight but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. A wave of guilt overtook him. He thought of everything he said to Makoto. He thought about how angry he had been when Rin told him. His vision swam in front of him. All he saw was blood and rent skin. He hardly registered when the paramedics rushed in and surrounded Makoto. After a minute he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on boys. We need to get you out of here.” the gentle voice of a paramedic said. She led them out of the locker room and out on to the deck where the teams were huddled  together under the supervision of another paramedic. Rin was off to the side sitting on a bench and that is where the paramedic led Haru and Sousuke. Rin was white as a sheet. His face was wet, he had been crying. As soon as they sat down Haru let go of Sousuke in favor of Rin. Haru’s sobs renewed as he rested his head on Rin’s shoulder. Rin wrapped an arm around him trying to comfort him but soon he was crying again. Rin and Haru held each other and Sousuke looked around. Nagsia was crying too with his head in Rei’s lap, Rei looked too stunned to do much else besides stroke Nagsia’s hair. The Samazuka boys sat silently looking scared. Iwatobi was enough of a fixture at practice that they knew the boys, they liked them, they didn’t know how to deal with the rival captain’s actions. Actions that he had caused.

A swarm of people came out of the locker room carrying a stretcher between them. They crossed the deck quickly and loaded Makoto into the ambulance. Sousuke stood up and walked toward them only to be stopped by a paramedic.

“Son, you need to sit down, this has been very traumatizing, we need to make sure you’re alright.”

“Is he alive?” Sousuke asked. His voice sounded harsh on his ears. _‘Please say yes, I can’t have killed him, please say yes.’_

“He has a weak pulse.” The paramedic confirmed. “We’ll do everything we can for him but there is a chance he might not make it. But right now he is alive.” Sousuke nodded and returned to his seat next to Haru and Rin and mumbled to them what the paramedic had said. Parents were arriving now as well as advisors from Samazuka.

“I sent Gou to tell Amakata-sensei.” Rin sniffed next to him, his arms were wrapped around Haru, who had stopped crying but was still trembling. The sirens wailed on the ambulance and it pulled out rushing away toward the hospital. Sousuke watched it go feeling a hot sting behind his eyes. He steeled himself. He had no right to cry. If he hadn’t been such a righteous asshole. Maybe if he had been decent, maybe thought about Makoto’s feelings...he couldn’t stop the tears now, Makoto might die, he was basically a murderer. Sousuke dropped his head into his hands choking on tears, he felt an arm slide around him and he didn’t know who it was. _‘If he makes it through I’m going to help him get better.’_ was the last coherent thought he had before he was overwhelmed.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited denouement of Sting of Chlorine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. Hello Friends.   
> I realize this went away for a really long time. 2015 was basically the worst year of my life. I learned my greatest friend was deep in some heavy illegal business, my father passed away, and and the state of my, as of now, unclassified mental illness has been in sharp decline. 
> 
> So obviously I might not have been in the mood for a heavy mental illness fic. I love and truly appreciate all your comments and messages. This is a work I am fairly proud of and always intended to finish so please enjoy the final chapter of The Sting of Chlorine. 
> 
> As always, Please be aware of graphic descriptions of self harm and suicide attempts in this fic. I strongly suggest turning back if this will trigger you. Please reach out for help if you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself.
> 
> United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Chapter 7

 

They took turns waiting for him to wake up. Once Makoto had been stabilized and his wounds had been sewn and dressed he’d been brought to a room so they could wait for him to wake. The doctors informed them about the extent of his problems. The cuts on his arms had to be carefully monitored for infection with double diligence because of the burns and irritation around the wound caused by the chlorine. The same with the gash on his head from where he had fallen. They reported respiratory problems including burns in the lungs and swelling in the throat, he was on a respirator at the moment, unable to breath by himself. There was also a good change if he woke up he would find his eyesight noticeably impaired. That was if he woke up. Makoto had been in a coma for a week now. 

 

“His body is healing.” The doctors had said “It’s up to his mind whether he wants to keep going or not.” 

 

The Tachibana’s where there the most. They only allowed two visitors at a time so Makoto’s parents spent as much time as they could with him. Whispering to their baby boy about how much they loved him, how they wanted to help him, and how much they missed his smile- that they would do anything to get it back for him. 

 

Haru and Rin covered whenever the Tachibana’s had to go to work or be with the Twins. Rin would chatter to him, tell him all about school and practice, he made teary eyed jokes about how he wanted his fellow captain up to speed when he got back. Haru held Makoto's hand, mindful of his bandages but never letting go of his friend. It became so hard for Haru to talk and it reminded them all of how much comfort Makoto gave him even though he came off as so independent.  

 

Rei and Nagisa came for short visits. Nagisa couldn’t bear it very long, seeing his Mako-chan all tucked in like that. Nagisa would pet Makoto’s hair while Rei went into full research mode to find out all the things they could do to help their Senpai. He had a large file at this point. The Tachibana’s had asked for a copy and he had made a color-coded one for each of them. 

 

Sousuke popped by every so often when there was a gap where no one could be there. He didn’t drop by very often, he felt he didn’t really deserve to be in Makoto’s room, but he didn’t want the boy to be alone so he went when he was asked. Sousuke’s were mostly silent visits, just sitting in the chair like he was keeping guard until one day he decided to talk. 

 

*******

Sousuke sighted as he pulled the plastic chair up next to Makoto’s bed with his foot. Today was Makoto’s eighth say in the coma and he knew the hospital was trying to get information from the Tachibana’s about how long they wanted their son kept in this state. If they made the big decision then he might not be able to say anything while Makoto was still alive. He sat down, eyes boring into Makoto’s blankets trying to hold back tears he didn’t deserve to have. 

 

“Hey Tachibana....Makoto,” He began horsley stopping to clear his throat. “I know you’d probably rather have Haru here but they’re stuck at school and I didn’t want you to be alone. I know you like having your friends around you. I’m not much of a friend. Considering what I said I’m probably the farthest thing from a friend. I guess I really have no upside to my being here. Maybe you’ll hear my voice and get so angry you wake up and clock me. But that’s not very you. I know you don’t angry often. I know the only reason you got angry with Rin was because you were scared. I know that you aren’t selfish because I’ve seen everything you give to your friends. I know you’re not an attention seeker because you are the best backstroker in our prefecture and I’ve never once heard you brag, I’ve only heard you praise our friends. I know you’re not insignificant because we’ve been here day and night praying and waiting for you to wake up because who would take care of us if you go?” Sousuke’s tears were falling freely now and he was sniffling hard trying to keep talking. “I was awful to you. I was selfish and judgemental and I could never have guessed the effect you had. I barely know you how could I have told you to...It can’t be forgiven. You don’t have to but if you wanted to come back I’d like to help you. I’d like to show you how sorry I am. Just so you know I that I know your pain is real. You’re the light of our friends lives and...well I’d really like to call you friend too, It won’t happen and I don’t blame you….I just….God, I don’t know to to explain how fucking sorry I am…” There was a knock on the door and Sousuke wiped his eyes quickly as a Doctor came in followed by Makoto’s parents. Sousuke stood immediately offering Makoto’s mother his chair. 

 

“It’s time son.” Tachibana-san said placing a hand on Sousuke’s shoulder. “We’ll let you and the boys know when you can see him again.” Sousuke swallowed hard, this was it, this was the end. He nodded curtly and turned to leave but didn’t make it two steps before he heard a low groan from the bed. He whirled around to see Makoto’s eyes dragging open. 

 

“Sousuke..” Makoto’s voice was a harsh rasp, like sandpaper on a chalkboard. Sousuke came back as he was beckoned forward by Makoto’s mother whose arms wrapped around him like a vice as she sobbed into his shoulder. 

 

“Right here Tachibana-kun.” Makoto’s lips twitched up. 

 

“Sousuke- don’t be silly you’re already my friend.” 

 

**_Epilogue_ ** :

 

Makoto was released from the hospital after a month. Aside from physical recovery he also needed help only an inpatient program could provide. Makoto would need to wear glasses all the time now and he lung capacity was greatly diminished, he had an inhaler for emergencies, so he wouldn’t be swimming competitively anymore, his forearms and legs were heavily scarred, and his voice was deeper and harsher than before. He had medication to help his moods and anxieties now as well as going to therapy once a week. It took a lot to earn trust back but to everyone's delight Makoto was trying. 

 

He remembered his medicine every day. He always checked in with his parents before bed. He had turned in his entire stash of sharp objects and he and his family had searched his room for more. He kept a journal like his therapist said. He spent less time up in his room and more time with people. He still had a lot of self confidence and self worth problems. It was easy to see him get down on himself frequently but knowing the signs made sure his friends could help him. They knew he couldn’t do it alone. 

 

Apparently Makoto had heard most of Sousuke’s apology in the hospital and he did ask for his help. Now that he couldn’t swim his therapist had suggested he found a new form of physical activity. He suggested Yoga which would provide exercise at a capacity in which Makoto’s lungs could handle as well as meditation to calm his mind. So Makoto had asked Sousuke to go with him to help and be his partner on one condition. Makoto knew Sousuke hadn’t meant what he said to him, but he also knew that isn’t wasn’t okay and Sousuke needed to work out why he felt like he had to say those thing. Makoto would let Sousuke help him if Sousuke would talk to his parents about seeing a professional to help with his own problems. Sousuke had rather shyly agreed, knowing Makoto was right, and they went twice a week, becoming closer by trying to help each other. 

 

Recovery had its high points and low points. Some practices were easy to fix and some took a herculean effort. It took a while to get Makoto’s medicine correct which could be frustrating and scary at times. But by the time graduation day came around and Makoto and Rin were hugging Haru is a giant sandwich of happy tears with Sousuke laughing behind them and their Kouhai yelling to get their turn for hugs Makoto’s heart was warm, and there was no place he’d rather be. 

 

終わり

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> United States National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255


End file.
